Rewriting Old Stories

Since I was young, I’ve had two responses to adversity: a) “This can’t be happening to me” or b) “This is it for me.”

“This can’t be happening to me” was a way to dissociate - my subconscious would tell me “this kind of thing” only happens to “other people.”

“This is it for me” was the story my brain would tell me when I got into catastrophizing mode - I would make whatever challenge I was facing in the moment mean something way bigger / worse was surely on the way.

Since getting into mindfulness practices, I’ve been able to take a step back (on a good day) and see / hear these stories for what they are - coping mechanisms I developed many moons ago, when they did serve me in a way: they kept me safe.

But as I watched these little stories run around in my mind, especially as I got further into my motherhood journey (especially since becoming a mother of two), I saw them for what they are now: the beginning point of my brain’s spiral out of the present and into a dark place where I didn’t actually want to be.

So I began to rewrite the stories. If these are just things I tell myself when the going gets tough, what other story could I tell myself? What story might serve me, my mental health, and my family better?

How about, “This is for now, it’s not forever,” or, “I can do hard things”? When I told myself these stories, It started to change my whole mindset, the way I responded to my kids, my husband, everything.

I’m nowhere near perfect on this, it’s a practice for sure. But I love thinking about these things and how I can support myself to stay in this headspace. And I’d love to walk alongside you, while you do it, too, mama.

This is why I’m theming the mini-retreat for moms I’m hosting on June 9, Rewrite + Rejuvenate Mini-Retreat for Moms. Because if we can rewrite the stories we tell ourselves that don’t serve us anymore and turn them into powerful tools, we can completely change the dynamic of our families - because mamas take the lead.

Learn more about the Rewrite + Rejuvenate Mini-Retreat for moms below.

The Days Will Come Again

In the Intentional Holidays Workshop I led this week, a participant was talking about one of her family’s beloved Christmas traditions - Christmas Eve church service. This has been a beloved part of my Christmas celebrations in the past, too. They can be so incredibly beautiful: gorgeous music, low/no lights on, everyone holding candles, their faces glowing all expectant & totally present.

She was talking about how she;ll miss that this year with COVID. And then she said something that was truly remarkable:

The days will come again.

Wow. “The days will come again.” How much do we all just need to hear that right now? The days will come again when we can gather with friends and family and not have to spend all this energy “logisticating” (as my husband likes to say). The days will come again where our children can gather, learn, and play without running into safety guard rails at every turn. The days will come again when we can casually set up for a few hours of work on a laptop at a coffee shop. The days will come again when we can smile at a stranger on the sidewalk, know that they see it, and see that they’re smiling back!

The days will come again.

There will be many disappointments happening this holiday season. I will never deny that fact. But we can remember that, even during the most disappointing moments, these days are numbered. We won’t live like this forever. The days will come again.

And in the meantime, we’ll make some new traditions. We’ll take our time making delicious food. We’ll get creative in how we connect with loved ones. We’ll be resilient.

If you missed the workshop and you’re feeling like you can use some help identifying and sticking with your true priorities - the experiences & practices that bring you true joy & gratitude - this holiday season, check out my Intentional Holidays Audio Guide. I’ll walk you through the steps just like we did in the workshop. You’ll come away with your Intuition-based priorities and a toolkit to make them happen. All you need to get there is the audio guide, about 20 minutes, a notebook, and a pen or pencil.

Let me know what priorities you come up with! Shoot me an email at Lyndsey@LyndseyLyman.com or post about it on Instagram, tag me (@lyndseylyman), and tag a friend who could benefit from the guide as well!

xo

LL

Maintaining connection during stressful times

It was about this time last year I started to panic a bit about the impending basketball season.

“Basketball?!” You may be thinking.

Yes, basketball. My husband, in addition to being a very talented and thoughtful teacher, is a varsity basketball coach at our local high school.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the anxiety I had in the season prior (‘18-’19) when I was pregnant and my mind was often running, thinking about how I would ever handle a baby on my own while my husband was gone an average of 14 hours a day working both jobs for the season (basically four months).

Now, the baby was here. And winter was coming.

I tried boiling it down: What was I really so worried about? What was the root of this issue for me?

I knew I loved that my husband gets to be a coach, because he loves it so much (and he’s damn good at it). I knew I loved being part of the community in this way. I think I even knew, deep down, that I could handle whatever challenges this season brought my way in terms of being a first time-mom. I knew the root didn’t lie in any of that.

I came to realize that the root lied in two things: 1) my fears of abandonment that resulted from experiences I had as a child — these were mine to work on — and 2) a desire to be connected with my husband, to still feel like we were sharing a life even when our schedules had us feeling like ships passing in the night — this one we had to work on together.

So I thought of a way we could quickly check in with each other at the end of each day, to share some lows and some highs, and recognize each other for our contributions towards our marriage, our family, and our home.

Enter: CGA!

CGA stands for Challenge, Gratitude, and Appreciation.

Each night we exchanged these as we reflected on our day:

  1. What’s one challenge you faced today?

  2. What’s one thing you’re grateful for today (generally)?

  3. What’s one thing you appreciate about me today?

I found that appreciating one another was especially important in maintaining our sense of connection together during this higher-stress time. And if one of us struggled to think of something, it provided an opportunity for the other to say, “I did xyz, you can appreciate me for that!” Often we were doing things behind the scenes to support each other/our family that the other wasn’t even aware of. Calling those out into the light helped foster that sense of connection where we might have otherwise seen resentment fester.

Little did I know when I cooked up this idea and got my husband to agree to it that we would be facing an even more stressful and prolonged situation than basketball season (Oh hey, Covid!) - one I could have never imagined. Luckily, we already had the CGA practice in our toolbox and can still use it now!

This practice can work well with partners of any kind - not just life partners but friends, coworkers, etc.

I hope you’ll try it out! If you do, drop a comment below and let me know how it goes!

PS If you’re interested in more tools like this to help things flow better in your everyday life, and feel like you could use some loving accountability to put them into practice, consider joining the Radiant Soul Mamas Group! Check out the Mamas Group highlight on my Instagram page for more details. Next session starts October 11 - in just two short weeks!

What My Biggest Responsibility to My Son Is, Really.

The other day, I gave myself five minutes. Five minutes to feel all the feels. to mourn everything I know we won't get to do this spring: bringing Beckett to museums and parks and play dates; get togethers with family and friends; traveling; actually going on dates outside of the home. Everything I was looking forward to as Beckett gets a bit older and as the weather turns. All of the things I have not let myself feel.

I just laid in silence and let the tears come and let the pictures flow by in my head of what might have been. And for as much as I have been avoiding feeling these feelings and thinking about these things, when the timer went off (yes, I literally set a timer - time is an even hotter commodity sound these parts these days with a lack of childcare help) I found myself wanting more time. More time to feel the feelings and let the energy move through, less of avoiding them.

I am no sage, the only reason I even set aside these 5 minutes for myself that day is because of a therapy session that made me realize just how little I've been doing for myself in the last two and a half weeks and just how much I need to make the space and ask for the support I need in order to do that. I am reading Glennon Doyle's book, Untamed, and realizing and remembering all the ways in which I am a Cheetah (read the book, or listen to her interview with Brené Brown, you'll understand) and how important it is to me that I set an example for my son of what it means to be fully human and to ask for what I need. So that he may be fully human, feel all the feels, ask for what he needs, and achieve his highest potential.

I got to wondering how other moms are feeling about this stuff. If they’re finding ways to make time for themselves, not just to do the trivial self-care things floated on social media but the real work of self care - emotional processing, identifying and seeking necessary supports. My best guess is that I’m not alone in this struggle right now.

So I decided it’s time to be the change I wish to see, as Ghandi said, and create a space for moms to carve out time to take care of themselves, and to be connected in these challenging times. I thought up the Mama Bear Den, a two-hour online mini-retreat for moms. I am so excited about this opportunity; I hope if you feel called to join me, you will.

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Divine Guidance

It was truly amazing.

Last week, my sister told me that the band our cousin, David, who died unexpectedly at age 24 in an accident, LOVED - O.A.R. or Of a Revolution - will be playing in Ithaca next month.

The next morning on my way into work, I decided to play some of their old live album. Of course, the first song is City On Down - about friends and family reconnecting after death.

“In the end, my friend, we will all be together again...”
— City on Down by O.A.R.

So there I am - jamming, smiling, feeling connected to both my cousin and our grandmother, Pearl, who died just four months after him - when, all of a sudden, my entire Bluteooth system I use to play music in my car just turned off. It has never done this before. I looked down, checked for loose connections, etc. Nothing.

I could only assume it was David and Grandma saying hello.

Except I had this sense that they weren’t just saying hello. They were grabbing my attention.

So I’m sitting at a stop light and I literally say out loud, “Ok, ok! You’ve got me. I hear you. What’s up?”

I feel myself connecting with them and having a conversation of sorts. They tell me Beckett is such a joy to see, that they’re so proud of me. Tears start to roll down my face.

I get to work and I wipe my tears, head into the office, feeling like a huge gift has just been placed in my lap.

A few hours later at lunch, I decide to take a quick walk around the block on a whim. The sun is shining, it’s cold but not too cold. Once again I am feeling connected to something divine and much bigger than myself. I say “Hi,” again to David and Grandma.

And then I hear it, clear as the sky is blue: “It’s time to look at postpartum doula trainings.”

I had been interested in becoming a postpartum doula for a while - it’s one of the many ideas I’ve put into the Universe for what the next leg of my career might look like. But I had put it on the back burner, knowing it would be hard to be away from Beckett for more than a day or so for quite some time.

But in this moment, walking down the side of the road, my guides told me: It’s time.

I immediately pulled up the DONA International (doula certification organization) website. As I’m looking for trainings, I’m finding some that are in a good location or a good time but nothing that seems to have all of the aspects I would need to make them work.

I’m getting a little frustrated. Then I click into one of the training host’s websites and see it is run by a place called Yoga Mamas in Toronto and they have a Postnatal Yoga Teacher Training.

Something clicks. I’ve been saying for months that I wish our community had more resources for women coming back to movement after giving birth - particularly yoga. There’s so much focus on prenatal yoga - how about postnatal?! Well, here it was - my opportunity to give to myself and so many other mamas the missing link.

In fact, they are only running two of these trainings this year: one that wouldn’t work for me during the holiday season, and one in June, for which the early bird deadline ($100 in savings) was in TWO DAYS.

It all hits me at once: that I was meant to find this training now, to prioritize it, to plan it into our family’s summer, to take my next step on my journey.

And I never would have found it if I wasn’t open to divine guidance. I decide then: this is happening.

That night when Zack gets home I tell him I’m planning to go. That he and Beckett can stay home or come with - up to him. I also warned him it might be a lot to chase after an almost-one-year-old for two full days in a new city while I’m in training, so perhaps he’d like to invite his mom to join us and help out with Beckett.

He calls her to ask her if she’d like to join. She immediately says yes. While he is on the phone, I find a super affordable Airbnb five blocks from the training location. And, like that, our trip was booked.

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June 13-14, 2020

Toronto, ON

What struck me the most about this whole experience was how easefully everything flowed. When I heard, “It’s time to look into Postpartum Doula Trainining,” I thought I would be signing up for, well, a Postpartum Doula Training! But instead of feeling shut down about none of the trainings currently listed feeling like they were a good fit, I simply followed where the energy was flowing and let the Universe bring me to exactly where I needed to be and what I was meant to find.

Now when I say “simply” it might seem as though I’m saying this is easy and I do this all of the time. Of course, that is not the case. I am human and I have a (currently sleep deprived) lizard brain that likes to go in crazy circles and occasionally spiral out of control. But in these moments, when I was able to focus on my connection points with divine guidance, it did feel simple. I was able to not over-complicate it. I just tuned in, listened, and did the next right thing.

What a great reminder that what is meant for us will come to us, if only we will allow it.

Lessons from a Sick Weekend

Beck was sick this weekend and it has amazed me how much that impacted our schedule and routine.

He had a cold last month, too, but this one seems to be a doozy.

He spent the weekend sleeping, barely being up for long, crying, wanting to be held 24/7, and waking up any time he wasn’t touching a human.

Basically, he needed rest and comfort.

Like all of us do sometimes - whether we’re sick or otherwise.

We took turns holding him most of the weekend, or wearing him in the baby carrier, taking walks outside. We put other tasks on hold, spent more time than usual being quiet in the main living area of the house as he slept in someone’s arms on the couch. We let him cuddle in bed with us. My mom came over Saturday night and sat with him in the dark living room while he slept and we went out with a dear friend who was in from out of town. (I know, bless her heart.)

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As I took him out for the second walk of the day this afternoon (fourth in two days), I was reflecting on how walking outside almost always makes things feel better.

When I’m stuck on a project at work, feeling down, or having low energy, it always amazes me how even a 15 minute walk can turn things around.

It seems to be the same for him. B almost never gets upset when he’s in the carrier, looking around, breathing the fresh air, feeling the rhythm of our steps. This, somehow, remained true this weekend - even when he was obviously miserable many other times throughout the weekend, he was content on the walks.

It’s like we humans are built to need fresh air, to be in the natural world. Imagine that!

I was also reminded, as I often am by him, of the importance of the basic needs we humans have. His being sick and needing us to slow down and go at his speed reminded me of how we all need a little extra loving sometimes - whether that takes the form of a more gentle yoga class, a mug of hot tea, conversation with an old friend, massage, whatever. We all need moments of being gentle with ourselves, of our loved ones offering us grace and acts of caring.

Being around a baby who can’t/won’t/doesn’t need to be shy about his emotions or needs has actually been a refreshing reminder for me about the humanness in all of us. I could certainly use a little more honesty with myself and others in my life when it comes to my needs and desires. Could you?

PS - No class at Cornell next Sunday (12/1) - as it is Thanksgiving Break. Only two more classes this semester before Winter break (12/8 and 12/15) - hope to see you there!

Postpartum Movement Update (aKA Releasing Expectations...Again)

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This time last year I was six weeks pregnant. I was settling into the idea of being pregnant and was in the sweet spot before the nausea kicked in for about two months. I was doing CrossFit and had already told my BirthFit director, Janessa, I was pregnant.

I found there was way less “gas in the tank,” as they say, for my workouts, but I felt like I could modify and I planned to keep doing CrossFit throughout my pregnancy, take a hiatus during the 4th trimester, and get back at it around three or four months postpartum.

As Michael Scott would say, “Oh how the turntables…turn.”

Not only did I not get to continue CrossFit throughout my pregnancy (I had to stop at the beginning of the third trimester due to pubic symphysis dysfunction and feeling like no matter how I modified I was still liable to hurt myself), I also couldn’t even teach or practice yoga for the entirity of my pregnancy (I had to stop teaching around the same time I stopped CrossFit).

I felt betrayed when I had to stop yoga and CrossFit. I felt like some of my best stress management and self-care tools were being ripped away from me at the time I needed them most. I felt like maybe I wasn’t as strong or fit as I thought I was if I couldn’t keep moving in those particular ways I always had.

Fast forward five months to me being two months postpartum. I did my local BirthFit postpartum series at Pallas and LOVED it. I feel it is sincerely the best re-introduction to movement a birthing person can have postpartum, no matter what their mode of exercise usually is.

My local gym had expanded during my third trimester and had added a not-CrossFit-but-still-functional-movement side to the gym with awesome-looking programming called Core45. It’s a lot of the same movements one does in CrossFit without the heavy lifting and most of the more intense gymnastics movements. The perfect stepping stone for where I was at!

I got the Core45 membership for the month of October, knowing that once basketball season started, Zack would be out a lot more and I would be home with B a lot more so we wouldn’t necessarily want to pay for a membership I wouldn’t get to use as much.

I found that, while I liked the programming and got a damn good workout in within those 45 minutes of the Core45 classes, I wasn’t loving the movement as much as I thought I would. I found myself feeling like I was forcing it, rather than really enjoying the process, and that while I wasn’t feeling totally beat up after workouts, it did feel, on the whole, more depleting than life-giving to be doing that style of workout with my current sleeping/nutrition/breastfeeding situaiton.

Turns out, being a new (especially breastfeeding) mom takes a huge toll on the body.

Who knew?! JK. I knew.

So I ended the membership a week early. I gave myself grace.

I once again had to release my expectations of jumping back into a particular style of movement and give myself permission to do what felt good.

What feels good these days is walking and my own yoga practice. So, for this season, at least, I’m choosing to focus on those.

And now that I’ve accepted it, that feels like a damn good choice.

In what way(s) have you released expectations recently? What shift did you notice in your energy, emotions, or self-talk before and after the release? Let me know in the comments below!

Beckett is here! And we're getting back into gear!

Well, kind of. (I’m actually a firm believer that we cannot ever go “back” or “get back” anything the way it was before birth - not fully, for everything is forever changed - but you know what I mean!)

Man, they don't call it the fourth trimester for nuttin', amirite?!

Me & B!

Me & B!

I am just now starting to feel like I have a bit of bandwidth for things outside the home and Beck is already 3 months and one week old.

Can you say, "mind blown"??

Amazingly, we are halfway through October, and I start teaching yoga again tomorrow! My class has moved from Saturday mornings to Sunday, but same time and place - 10:30-11:45 am at Helen Newman Hall on Cornell University campus; open to any and all who have access to Cornell Group Fitness.

I am looking forward to getting back into teaching. It feels like it's been SO long since not only have I not taught since Beckett was born, but I had to stop teaching for personal health reasons at the start of my third trimester. So it's been six months or so and I'm ready to reconnect with myself, the community, and Source in this way.

Oh, and I birthed a child. 😝 Birth story coming in a future post. 🙏

The Things That Surprised Me Most About My Pregnancy

Compared to a lot of people I know, I was ahead of the curve when it came to being educated about what pregnancy and birth could look like, even before I got pregnant or was trying to get pregnant. As I noted in my last post, I had been highly skeptical about giving birth for a long time, so I was especially interested in knowing what I was potentially getting myself into and had been learning about pregnancy and birth, particularly how it can unfold in the US, for years before conceiving kid #1. Still, there were of course things I didn’t know about and that surprised me during this pregnancy. Here’s just a few:

1. Just how many changes there are to the physical body, and how extreme these changes can be

I think this one can be hard to truly understand until one feels it in their own body. In particular, I was shocked to realize just how huge my belly would get. I don’t think I really did comprehended this until mid-to-late second trimester.

I also experienced two very immense changes to my body that, of course, don’t happen to every pregnant woman, but are common and I think are under-discussed. These are:

1. (sometimes SUPER intense) restless leg syndrome, and

2. pubic symphysis dysfunction in the third trimester

(More on the pubic symphysis dysfunction later but for now I’ll direct the curious folks here.)


2. Just how many changes I have experienced outside the physical realm of my body

I have already experienced so many shifts in the mental and emotional realms, which has truly come as a surprise to me. This is part of why I say my matrescence began even before this babe was conceived - because my mindset and emotional state was already beginning the evolution.

One example: I have begun to completely question and even let go of many parts of the brand of feminism I have adopted since at least middle school but that was certainly solidified in my college years. My mindset has really evolved from a belief that feminism = females are the same as males and can do everything men can do in the exact same way - to - feminism = females and males do have inherent differences (something I consciously and subconsciously refuted in the past) that are very important, but females and males can still be afforded equal opportunities.

3. Just how many people really do think it’s fine to comment on my body and/or touch my body without asking

This one has truly amazed and truly annoyed me. Mostly the comments - luckily I haven’t had a ton of the unwanted touching. But as a person with a history of body image issues (like most women I know…), it has been very difficult for me to deal with all of the attention on my body and comments about my changing body. Comments like, “Wow, you’re getting big!” aren’t super helpful when you’re already super body aware and have a history of being self-conscious around your weight (and, I’m guessing, might not be super helpful even if that criteria didn’t apply).

Side note: my favorite advice for dealing with unwanted belly-touching during pregnancy is for the pregnant person to also put their hand on the other person’s belly! Cracks me up every time and illustrates to the person just how weird and socially unacceptable that is!

Are you or have you been pregnant? Experienced any of the above? Have some other experience that surprised you? Comment below!

Matrescence

My matrescence began before I even conceived this child. If I’m looking big picture, it may have began years ago, when I first started considering having children…or even further back, when the ability to have children (aka my menstrual cycle) began.

Matrescence (n):

—the process of becoming a mother

—the physical, emotional, psychological transformation one goes through during the transition to motherhood

Those who were at our wedding last year may recall from my vows that, from age 11 to age 21, I often (monthly, weekly?) stated that I did not want children. I also often stated during this decade that I did not want to get married. I was thoroughly convinced of both of these facts and did not expect my mind to be changed, despite how many people told me it would once I “met the right person.” (I always hated that. Patronize much?)

Turns out, I did meet the right person. ;)

I also did a f-ton of work on myself and learned that those avoiding getting married and having kids wasn’t actually my desire, but rather my fears manifesting themselves as loudly as possible.

It turns out, I did want to be a mom. BADLY.

I didn’t fully understand this until sometime during my 23rd year of life, though. I was doing that personal work (counseling, journaling, etc) and I also had a personal incident that served as a catalyst for coming to terms with my heart’s desire to have children.

I first learned of the word matrescence last September. In the months following our wedding, I was slowly but surely consuming more and more media relating to motherhood and came across Dr. Alexandra Sacks’ TED Talk about matrescence. I was fascinated and grateful to hear an authority talking about the complexities of the psychological and emotional experience of becoming a mother. I was already identifying with the concept of a push and pull - wanting to be a mother, but knowing it wasn’t the only thing I wanted, and that I didn’t want to do it the way it has historically and is presently discussed in US culture.

I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to do it my way.

Our baby wasn’t conceived for another 1.5 months after I first watched that video. But it’s clear to me looking back that I was very ready, and my journey of becoming a mother had already begun.

As I’ve been growing this tiny human inside of me for the last 7.5 months, I have had so many revelations about myself, my dreams for my community, and my worldview. I’ve been feeling called to publish some of them.

Welcome to the Mama Bear Blog.